Medicinskie anekdoty

Prihodit bol'noij k "tomu samomu doktoru":

- Doktor, u menya dovol'no chasto sluchaiutsya provaly v pamyati.
- Inogda ya zabyvaiu ochen' mnogo vazhnogo...
Doktor:- I chasto oni u Vas ?
- Kto?
- Eti, provaly..
- Kakie provaly, doktor?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

V "tom samom kabinete":

- Na chto zhaluites', bol'noij?- sprashivaet doktor
- Doktor, ya noski liubliu- robko otvechaet pacient
- Nu i chto ya ih tozhe liubliu, hlopchatobumazhnye- govorit 
doktor, chto-to carapaya na bol'nichnom stole.

Bol'noij obradovanno:

- Pravda, doktor?! A Vy ih s chem liubite,-s varen'em ili so smetanoij.

A retarded girl is brought to a psychiatrist.  He examines her:
- What time of year is it now?
- Summer.
- Look - the snow is falling.
- Falling.
- And children are skiing.
- Skiing.
- And the days are short.
- Short.
- So what kind of summer is that?
- It is a shitty summer, doctor.

-- Sestrichka! A mozhet v reanimaciju... )-:
-- Vrach skazal: "V MORG," -- znachit v morg!

Hirurg operiruet bol'nogo.  
Iz-pod stola: Myauu!
      Hirurg: Brys'!  Poshla von!.
Iz-pod stola: Myaaaauuu!
      Hirurg: Poshla von, komu skazal!
Iz-pod stola: Myaaaaaauuuuuuu!
      Hirurg: (otrezaet chto-to u bol'nogo i kidaet pod stol)
              Da, na, na, podavis'...

Dva gruzina razgovarivajut:
- Nu chto, vypjem?
- Ja ne magu... mne doktor pit' zapretyl.
- Nu i chto s togo? Mne tozhe zapretyl; ja emu sotnju sunul -
on razreshyl.

Muzhik (M) prihodit k psihiatoru (P):
M: Doktor, u menya pod krovat'yu zavelos' chto-to malen'koe
   i zelenen'koe.
P: Ne perezhivaite, ne volnuites', peite vot eti tabletki,
   prihodite cherez mesyats.
Muzhik prihodit cherez mesyats.
P: Nu, kak, proshlo?
M: Da vy znaete, doktor, ne pomoglo. Eto malen'koe
   zelenen'koe vyroslo, zubami schelkaet.
P: Nu chto zh, glavnoe ne volnujtes', peite teper' vot eti
   tabletki, prihodite cherez mesyats.
Cherez mesyats muzhik ne prishel. Psihiator idet k nemu
domoi sam. Zvonit v dver'. Ne otkryvayut. Zvonit sosedyam(S).
P: A gde tot muzhik iz sosednej kvartiry?
S: Da ego nedely nazad krokodil s'el.
-------------------------------------------------------
Esche pro krokodila.
P'yanyj muzhik(M) (variant: narkoman) idet po ulitse
i vedet na povodke krokodila(K). 
K: Muzhik, slushaj, ustal ya peshkom, poehali na avtobuse.
   Sadyatsya na avtobus.
K: Muzhik, a mozhet fig s nim, s etim avtobusom? Mne zdes'
   vse lapy otdavili, poehali na tachke.
Berut tachku.
K: Muzhik, ne hochu na tachke, benzinom zdes' vonyaet, 
   da i rozha voditelya mne ne nravitsya, s'el by pryamo. 
   Poshli luchshe peshkom.
Muzhik povorachivaetsya k krokodilu.
M: Slushaj, ty, esli seichas ne zatknesh'sya, ya protrezveyu,
   i ty voobsche ischeznesh'.   

Prihodit v polikliniku starushka is sprashivaet molodogo 
cheloveka v belom halate :
- Molodoi chelovek, v kakom kabinete zubnuik ?
- Babusya, ne zubniuk , a stomatolog. On v 10-m kabinete.
- Molodoi chelovek, a v kakom kabinete glazniuk ?
- Ne glazniuk, a oftal'molog, on v 23-m kabinete.
- Spasibo, synok. A ty sam kto budyesh ?
- Po-vashemy ya - pizdiuk, a po-nashemy - ginekolog.